Thursday, June 11, 2009

Going Underground

I totally understand the right for democratic expression, thank god we have it. With that comes a responsibility to each other and an understanding of the greater good.

MMMMMM Unions, how many union leaders have lost their jobs? How many union reps who will have encouraged the strikes will have their pay cut? The unions represent their members and apparently fight on behalf of injustice.

Where is the humanity when all around them are in a deep financial crisis in striking for a 5% pay rise. Outrageous, they have increased prices for a still miserable service, that is not modernised or progressive. Of course the point of the action is to cripple the transport infrastructure and hold us to ransom. Nurses and emergency staff are they claining not to heal or serve, our foces are they saying they won't defend or risk thier lives unless they get better pay, NO

This is B@llocks, you are no better than blackmailing the people, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Oh where to begin...

You pack of w@nkers.
Everyone is worried about their job.
People are being laid off left right and centre.
Pay rises are frozen across the board.
We are in the middle of the greatest recession since World War II.
Hmmm let's have a strike.
Congratulations. All you have done is piss off about 8 million people.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Like kewl.

Will the 3 girls on the central line this morning having a fascinating conversation about how tired they were because they had to DRESS UP AS ELVES, please get in touch.

I am dying to hear more.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Zoom Zoom Crawl.

I come in on the whizzy train to London. Then I hit the wheezy underground. Delayed creaking, buggered. 15 minute waits, stopping in tunnels all the time, slow slow slow.

Sunday, August 19, 2007


So it rained a bit in England recently, you may have noticed by looking at the news/window/drenched people. There was actually quite a bit of rain, enough in fact to wash away substantial parts of the Great Malvern to London line. Did the good people at Great Western let this get them down? Did they balls, no they manned up and got my train to London via a circuitous route at EXACTLY THE SAME TIME AS NORMAL, despite the not inconsiderable difficulties in doing so.

Well done.

So you can imagine my joy when London Underground were unable to get me a connecting train back to Paddington (2 stops) the following day for more than half an hour, thus making me miss the now fully functioning return trip. Not only that they gave no explanantion or apology for buggering up several hundred peoples lives/friday night/weekend. It really beggars belief.

Final Score.
Great Western Trains - 1003
London underground - NIL

Monday, July 09, 2007


Make that 7.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

4 days of travel.

And every one was buggered up.
I know you have problems with terrorism and fires and a creaking overloaded infrastructure, but REALLY! Some things I can overlook but cancelling the last overland on Saturday night and blithely suggesting we might like to use local tubes and buses to get home WHEN THERE AREN'T ANY really takes the biscuit.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Ah sweet thursday.

Waiting for a district line to Richmond I sat for 25 minutes idling my life away. How many Ealing Broadway trains do you feel they could cram into that time? 7. Seriously - 7 - count em, in a row. Is the district line run by imbeciles? And what do they do with them at Ealing Broadway.

People DO live on the Richmond line you know, or do you just not give a flip about them.

Or is Ealingdo home to hundreds of LU employees, hence the GREAT SERVICE?


Tuesday, May 22, 2007

No Change

Just because no-one's grumbled for a while, doesn't mean it still isn't a mess! (Just in case anyone from TFL was reading this.)

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Bus Logic

This morning I waited in the drizzle for 15 minutes for an number 85 bus. Then three came at once. When I pointed this out to the driver, he said "That's because I am running half an hour late" We left it at that.

Friday, February 16, 2007

I have a terrible memory for faeces.

Buses are not the cleanest of places at the best of times, scraps of food, spilt drinks, strewn newspapers, puke and now excrement. Excellent. The number 73 bendy bus from Newington Green now arrives complete with the fragrant odour of dog poo. Well that’s just great.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Handy Tube Guide.

Bakerloo - Change at Baker Street
Central - Ok
Circle - Going No-where
District - Delayed
East London - Pointless
Hammersmith & City - Change at Baker Street
Jubilee - Finchley Road!
Metropolitan - Suburbia
Northern - Hot, crowded, filthy
Piccadilly - FAR TOO LOUD!
Victoria - Both ends in dubious places
Waterloo & City - For twats only

Monday, February 12, 2007


The congestion charge has been a success, so now Ken can now give the tube cattle a rebate with all the millions he has flowing in from the scheme.

Hmm, I suppose under the circumstances a price hike of double the rate of inflation was the best we could realistically hope for.

Still thank god the impoverished residents of Kensington and Chelsea got that 90% discount on the congestion charge they so desperately needed.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Oh where to begin...

Is this really the same counrty that evacuated Dunkirk with sailing boats and paddle steamers?

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Bit windy is it?

Only three lines on the entire underground network working properly. Overland in crisis. Buses given up the ghost. Well of course.
Call me a cynic but perhaps the companies should spend a little more on infrastructure instead of giving CEOs bundles of 50s in pillowcases.

Monday, January 08, 2007

What was the New Year's resolution?

To make the trains come on time? Blimey it seems to be working.

But like all resolutions it will all go to the wall in a week or so. I see the announcement volume has gone through the roof again. My eardrums are bleeding. Or it could be that in my two weeks off I got used to normal volumes again.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

You Despicable People

I can see the old woman struggling to stay on her feet, yet you, in your comfy chairs, are all oblivious. It comes to something when the only person who gets up to give her a seat is a bloody cripple.

You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Oh, and thanks to the woman who insisted I take her seat this morning.

Friday, December 08, 2006

The Masses.

all the bitter, miserable, lonely people feeling short-changed,
feeling betrayed by the forces, they blame life, they blame
circumstances, they blame others while actually
are totally unappetizing, dutifully unoriginal, they are
cowardly and placid, sunk in self-pity, having done
nothing right, they still feel wronged, swarming the earth with
their grievances, their hatreds -
dead-eyed in the center of nowhere, these millions of human
errors, going day to day and night to night through
their castrated motions,
it hurts the very earth, it hurts everything,
this waste
the horror of all this

Get off the tube cattle.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Stone the Crows!

I arrived at the station this morning and immediately caught the train as it arrived on time. I then made both the connecting trains with minimal wait and arrived at work on time. I am flabbergasted.

Now I understand this is how it should work largely every day but well done London Underground, you have earned your fiver today.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

The two most heard phrases on the Underground.

1. We are sorry to announce.........
2. We apologise for the late running of..........

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

A Song for London

Lord Coe, if you think this is going to work for the Olympics, you're off your head.

Monday, October 30, 2006

25 minutes!

Seriously, for 1 district line train. This is getting beyond a joke. Thank god there was plenty of space when you finally deigned to deliver a train.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Slip Slidin' Away

How many seconds are there in a minute, as advertised on an underground time board?

When the trains are running late it can be over 90. How can this beeeeeee?

Thursday, October 19, 2006


Your sitting comfortably in a nice seat on a not so busy train (wow - since when?) when some 6 foot idiot comes and sits next to you, even asking if its ok. I was brought up with manners so of course I'm going to say yes. Actually its not, there are PLENTY of seats on this train, why are you next to me? And to top it of you smell of stale beer and sweat, Why oh Why do you people do this (you know who you are) I'm sorry all i can think of is 'Perv'

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Oi You! FATTY!

Your double wide waddling on the stairs caused me to miss my train. Happy now? Are you? No I thought not - have another cake.

And relax.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

It's a bit rainy.

So all the poor little buses and trains are tucked up in bed with the sniffles. Bless.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Delays on WHAT?

Everything I use on a daily basis. So instead I took a leisurely trip on the overland, stopping outside Waterloo for a good long while to look at the rain and then caught a good breath of freshish air waiting for the 243.

I love how long it takes to travel the 7 miles to work.

If I had got in my car and headed west I would probably have been in Bristol by now.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Dimwit Guard

Guard on the train into Waterloo today: "This is the guard speaking. I want to update you on the state of London Underground services this morning but I can't because the battery on my pager has run out". Pointless announcement, or what?

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Kid Ugly

I don't think ugly children should be allowed on buses. Honestly I've only just had breakfast.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

I'd like to file a complaint.

I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with this, however, it really bugs me when women do their ablutions on public transport in the morning.

The woman in case this morning wasn't even on my bus, she was on the top deck of the bus we pulled alongside in the traffic. There she was scraping away at her scrawny old nails, debris flying all over the other passengers. It reminded me of an occassion when I'd been sat next to a girl on the bus doing exactly the same thing, except it was going all over me. Cow.

The noise it makes as well, it's awful, this constant light scraping noise. I know I shouldn't be so bitter and damaged (like her nails) but you'd feel the same if you were being flaked upon by a complete stranger.

I just looked up the definition of 'ablution' to check I had the correct word, I did, but I didn't realise I did. One defintion is 'to remove sins and diseases', that'll do me.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Busses every 6 to 7 minutes.

Oh really. OH R-E-A-L-L-Y? How you can make these claims beggars belief. I suppose if it said "busses every half an hour or so and even then it will be too full to get on", people might get a tad angry.

Believe me, I am a tad angry anyway.

Monday, September 25, 2006

The Richmond Train Conspiracy...

As I while away my youth at Funnersbury Station waiting endlessly for a train. I cannot help but notice that for every district line train going in to town there are 5 or six going to Richmond. Now that's only two stops away, and yet they never come back.

So my question is, what in the name of Jebus are you doing with them all in Richmond? Is there a secret underground train silo, are you hoarding them all for fun, or as I suspect, smashing them to smithereens to help deal with the seriousUnderground train glut.

I want answers and I want them NOW!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Just so you know....

MAINTENENCE is when you carry out work on something which is functioning properly, to MAINTAIN it.

What you are talking about should really be called REPAIRS.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Where have all the busses gone?

Long time - none passing.
Where have all the busses gone?
Long time to get home....

For Peter Paul and Mary's sake can I have a bus please?

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Here's a thing....

Stop trying to claim the trains are running on time when the arrival time shown on the board is some minutes ago and no train has yet appeared.

After half an hour of no trains AT ALL, people start to be ever so slightly suspicious of you and your preposterous claims.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Are you sitting comfortably?


Don't you worry about me - I am just using these crutches for a laugh. And that especially means you, girl sitting opposite who keeps taking sneaky glances at my leg, then pretending you can't see.

Thanks though to the chap on the central line, who immediately lept up when I got on, but sadly was only going one stop.

It makes me proud to be British.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Food for Thought...

Why, in the height of August, was the number 56 bus pumping out hot air much to the distress of its passengers last night? I was sat adjacent to the heating outlet and couldn't believe what a roasting my leg was receiving. So unhappy with the situation I jumped off the bus - literally* - and decided to walk the rest of my journey.

What I discovered when I got home was gum all down my trouser leg. It had clearly been softened by the warm air and taken a liking to my pantaloons.

I hate gum. I hate watching people chew gum. I hate the smell of gum. I hate people who chew gum. I hate the number 56 for having the heating on and making the gum soft.

My trousers are now in the freezer making opposite of the warm gum situation. The number 56 has gone off head hung in shame.

*obviously not literally literally, that would have been a very dangerous and impratical way of alighting the bus

Tuesday, August 22, 2006


Good services are currently operating to all Northern Line destinations.

If that is the case why have I been waiting for over 8 minutes on a crowded platform for my train? Kinda takes away the veracity of your claim do you not think?

Also the fact this statement is repeated on a 30 second loop becomes slightly annoying when you have heard it 16 times or so.

And another thing - it really isn't that clever to bang on and on about how you are delivering the service you are contracted to anyway, especially when you manifestly ARE NOT.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Lucky Me!

Due to a temporary change in my living arrangements and consequently being just 10 minutes walk away from work, for 3 glorious weeks I am spared the misery and suffering that is what we affectionately refer to as our city's transport system.

It's bliss.

I can take the smog, the smoke, the noise, even the smell of urine in the underpass, all for not having to get on a train, tube or bus.

Just think, if the rickshaw guys got up earlier in the morning, they'd make a packet!

This really happened......

Scene - Ken's office.

Ken - let's get some busses.

Serf - Ok, how about something like those Routemasters, people like those and they work well in London's small, crowded streets.

Ken - Don't be such an imbecile, get some ugly behemoths that are unwieldy, unsuitable for the capital and catch fire a lot.

Serf - Should we make it so kids can jump on and off for free in the middle, thus annoying the honest fare paying people?

Ken - Good idea, and while you are at it get rid of the existing Routemasters.

Serf - Did you not once say "only a moron would axe the Routemaster"?

Ken - P*ss off.

Ladies and Gentlemen

There are severe delays on the Northern Line.

This is due to chronic underinvestment, a system pushed to overcapacity, a management held to ransom by belligerent and aggressive unions, and an ill educated lackadaisical work-shy workforce.

Oh no, hang on I meant to say signalling problems. My boss is going to kill me!

Still, if he does, we can stage a walk out and bring the capital to it's knees. AGAIN.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Ode to Ken

Oh Ken,
You f@*ked it up again
And we all think your policies,
Why don't you buy a boat?
You ugly old stoat.
And leave this once-great city,
Which you've turned to pretty sh!tty
With it's over priced and underfunded
Trains, you great big titty.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Rectal Exploration.

Ah that old chestnut.

Just got back from holiday, oh how I missed you my mistress of subterranean torment.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Ken Livingstone

I do not like you.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Stop moaning!

Firstly you are on a train, it is at least making some paltry effort to take you vaguely to your desired destination. This is an option rarely open to us lucky country folk.

Secondly, there are no diversion signs to follow righteously only to find they cease abruptly in the backstreets of Hereford.

Thirdly, no-one, however unfortunate, has ever collected a speeding ticket on a train!

Finally, you are unlikely to be held up by a flock of sheep cantering briskly towards you, shepherded by the mandatory black and white sheep dog and a Mazda pickup, occupying the total unmelted tarmac space.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Well at least you have an train.

Here in Somerset we have but one horseless omnibus, and that is viewed with deep suspicion by the locals. It goes to Chard every spring.

It's all MY fault.

Bugger, no-one to blame but me. Trains running on time, not too crowded and I missed it. Which is strange, because it's the first time I have done anything wrong in my life. EVER.

Monday, July 17, 2006

A great big human turd.

There it is again!
At Chiswick station.
Who the hell keeps doing this?

Wednesday, July 12, 2006


... don't turn around quickly when you're wearing a rucksack on a crowded tube... You might be keen to get out as fast as possible, but it gets ugly in your wake.

Fat People.

Get out and walk.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

An outrage...

I think it's appalling the way that London Transport are so discriminatory against those not in a steady relationship...

Why not have just one ticket, whether you're single or otherwise? Surely this would cut down on administration costs too?

Monday, July 10, 2006

Together we stand

I think we, the commuters, should go on strike this time...

Who is with me?

Thankyou for travelling with Southwest Trains....

You do understand I HAVE NO CHOICE. That I use your "services" is due soley to the fact I happen to live on your route, rather than any kind of free market descision. Pricks.

Points failure at Gunnersbury

Well of course there is, this area of town is riddled with alternative travel options.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

A little public transport humour

Why did the bus cross the road?

Because the lights were turning red & it had no clear exit from the juntion... thus causing the biggest possible delay in the rush hour traffic...

Friday, July 07, 2006

Night Tube

Why doesn't the tube run throughout the night at weekends?

"Because it's bad enough being mugged, raped and stabbed during the day."

Good value enertainment

I don't know what you're all complaining about. I often spend the whole day riding round and round on the circle line. if you disembark at the end of your adventure just a stop or two along from your starting point you can ride the "toob" (as I like to affectionately call it) all day for just the price of a £3.00 single! Where else in London can you benefit from such great value entertainment?

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Bus Drivers

Do you really have to drive like a 17 year old in a stolen porsche?

Damn it's hot down here...

... is this what hell feels like?


Here's an idea.. why not wait to stop and read your A to Z until you are more than 2 paces from the top of a crowded escalator?

Bus Drivers Manual - Lesson 1

You know those big red things on poles and on the back of cars and lorries? Yes, they mean that the traffic's about to come to a standstill. So why is your reaction time so slow that every time you have to practise your minimum stopping distances?

It's not always the system....

But often the imbeciles who use it. Here's a thought, why not wait 1 second to see if anyone is actually getting off the train before bleating "excuse me" and barging towards the doors like the obsessive rule following sheep you are.

It's really annoying to have some numpty pushing and shoving the people who, if left alone, would get out of your way anyway, making lfe easier for everyone.

I know we are herded into the underground like animals, but we don't have to start thinking like them.

And stop standing in doorways you inconsiderate fools.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Dirty Buses

Why is it that the top deck of every bus has a floor covered in six discarded newspapers, two exploding bags of crisps and a scuffed up copy of Penthouse?
Do you tell your cleaners there's an upstairs?

Let the statistics speak...

I've done the maths -- they are not making new trains fast enough to cope with the increasing population. If you think it's bad now, spare a thought for the poor commuters of 2050.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Dictionary definintion

Underground (n)
A clandestine, often nationalist, organization fostering or planning hostile activities against, or the overthrow of, a government in power, such as an occupying military government...

Think on....

Humanitarian outrage

If you were to transport cattle to the slaughter in this way there would be public outrage at the appalling cruelty... Someone should call Amnesty International.

I'd do it myself but my brain has been addled by overheating, and my eardrums are perforated from standing too close to the tannoy...

Hot buses

Why can't you buy your buses from the same place every other country in Europe gets theirs?
On the Continent, they cough up for the air-conditioned ones - so why do we have to travel around in greenhouses on wheels?

Monday, July 03, 2006

We are in England.

Would it be too much to ask to have announcements made in English?

Or at the very least coherent.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

No really.

Are the announcements that loud so deaf people can hear them, or are you trying to make everyone deaf to justify the volume of your announcements?

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

And Another Thing....

Whilst on the topic of SW Trains.

Which moron in your organisation is it that thinks it's helpful and considerate to all the fee-paying commuters to have 8-carriage trains running in off peak times (ie. after 9am and before 3pm), whilst during peak hours, deems a 4-carriage train to be just what we'd prefer.

It beggars belief!

Can I get a job with you? I'm not one to blow my own trumpet, but I'm reasonably smart. With me on board (no pun intended - I assure you), you might actually start to deliver a service that people would be half way satisfied with.

Thank You South West Trains!!

For making my journey home today so interesting and a break from the norm. Naturally, if I didn't have a life, and didn't need to schedule my day around work, school pick ups / drop offs and other general activities, then I'm sure hanging around your scummy stations wouldn't be such an issue.

But (and I'm guessing I'm not alone in this) if I schedule my day to catch a train that needs to get me to point B by a certain time, then arriving at point B 20 minutes late helps me not one bit, and invariably costs me money one way or another.

And to top it off, you put on a replacement bus service for the trains you've mysteriously cancelled, with a driver who doesn't know the area at all!

Let me congratulate you on a really good day's work.

Poor People on PublicTransport

Why you guys can't organize your finances so you don't have to go on the tube and buses beats me.
When my driver's off, I take a taxi.
Get a life.

sd erqobn nveqor niner

Can you hear me? No of course you can't, because the fan thingy on this tube is filled with cement mixers, harrier jump jets and strip mines. Or maybe it, like so many other things on the underground, is broken and about to explode. Still, when it does at least we will be able to hear ourselves think.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Is it just me...

Or is it hot in here?

Please use all available space

WHAT available space?!? I am pressed up against the glass divider trying to avoid letting my nose touch the greasy hair stain left by some other poor sap, while another carriage worth of red-faced would-be commuters tries to surge off the platform before the doors slide shut... THERE IS NO MORE AVAILABLE SPACE... MAKE MORE TRAINS!!!!

Oi! Train drivers!

Yes I know when the next station stop is, you told me a minute ago. And a minute before that. Shhh. I am trying to read a book.

What the hell is going on with the 243 bus from Waterloo?

How many do you have Ken - 2? Maybe if there were more the queue wouldn't start and finish in different postcodes.

After my trip in to the office.

I am hot sweaty and stressed. What a great way to start the working day.


£3 for a single - You have GOT to be kidding.

All I wanted was to get to work.....

why do you have to torment us day after day after day?

Is it really neccessary....

To make deafening announcements every 20 seconds, in a hopeless attempt to diguise the self evident paucity of service.

So much investment.....

Apparently. So little change.